Water Safety

I recently found out that my “Can I get a…?” neighbor has a warrant out for his arrest for stealing laptops from his former employer. A month or so ago, he asked me if I wanted to buy his laptop because he got an iPad and didn’t need it anymore. He went to all the trouble of bringing the iPad with him and fiddling with it as he was talking as if he was so enthralled with it he couldn’t possibly be lying about where he got the laptop. I told him I usually buy my electronics from a store and thanked him for the offer. He has seen my own laptop in the living room when he comes to the door and he has asked me if that “TV in there is plasma or LCD.” Twice. The only comfort I have that he’s not going to rob me blind when I leave the house is that for some strange reason he is terrified of my dog. He makes comments about how big she is all the time and asks if she bites, to which I answer, “Only if I tell her to.”

The problem is every time I walk Scout or take her with me in the car, I hate that he knows she’s not home. He’s always lurking on the porch, watching everything. Poor dog has to jog around the backside of the block because I don’t like my house being out of sight. I was thinking of ways to safeguard my few little measly belongings, and I think I’ve got it. We literally go medieval on their asses. We bring back the moat.  Think about the awesomeness that would entail should one dig a moat.

Burglars will have to plan ahead and bring a boat. Boats are heavy and cumbersome to carry, so chances are, they’ll skip the house with the moat all together. If they were desperate enough to bring a boat, moving any kind of electronics would be mighty risky. They would have to limit themselves to jewels and silverware, neither of which I own. Well, I have silverware, but not the silver kind.

It will discourage unwanted visitors. Jehovah’s Witnesses will be holding their little Watchtowers standing at the end of the sidewalk with the guy that wants to sell me meat out of a truck just staring at the draw bridge, wondering how in the world they’ll ever reach the doorbell.

If you stock the moat, you can fish from your windows. If you fish from your kitchen window, you can catch, clean and cook in one convenient area.

Locking someone out of the house would provide hours of hilarity.  

“Let down the drawbridge! This isn’t funny!”

“Alright, I’ll open the window, but you have to swim for it.”

“I can’t swim!”

“Here, use this empty milk jug. I’ll tie a string on it.”