How May I Help You?

People say that customer service is dead and well, it is. That’s why every time I call a customer service number I cross my fingers and hope with all my might that it’s automated. I would much rather deal with a machine than try to explain to Habib, who insists that I call him Kevin, and only speaks enough English to order a pizza, that I need to cancel an account. “Kevin, plug ‘Why don’t you have a website?’ into your translator and then go get someone who speaks English to give me the answer.” Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against foreign people. I just think it’s possible that American employers play a little fast and loose with the term “fluent” when they are asking about language skills. But let’s get real, it’s not just the companies that contract overseas, most places hire unskilled people to answer technical lines and just hope for the best. I know this for a fact. I used to work in one. So let’s get in the way-back machine so I can break it down for you.

Roughly ten years ago I did 2 years hard time in a call center that fielded technical support questions for a major computer manufacturer. This was back when people actually got their computer fixed instead of just buying another one because they were crazy expensive. I had exactly 8 days of computer training and 2 days of phone training. This qualified me to fix someone’s computer. Over the phone. So really, they were fixing their own computers. I quickly found out that my lack of skill was not really an issue because one out of five callers had a question that was rectified with complex instructions such as “the power supply has to be plugged into a working outlet.” or “click on the little speaker and take the ‘x’ off of it and your sound should miraculously return.”  

Companies that are this big contract these services from hundreds of tiny call centers around the world. The call centers are in no way affiliated with the computer company, so it wouldn’t matter if you burst in with some flesh eating bacteria that could only be treated with the saliva of the company owner, they still could not “call upstairs and get him.” As a matter of fact, they wouldn’t have any more idea than a customer where to call in Texas to reach him. Our call center had about 500 operators divided into teams of 20. Each team had a “coach.” When you ask to speak with a manager, this is who you will end up speaking with. This person does not work for the computer company either. They cannot “make it happen” or “cut you a break.” They can only hang up on you. I promise that they’re not sitting around wringing their hands afraid for their jobs when you declare that you’ll never do business with the company again. As a matter of fact, the operator is probably holding down the mute button while he calls others over to laugh at you. Eventually this particular giant computer company sent all of their “tech support” overseas as well and left only their sales department here in America. They want to make damn sure they can take your order, but once you’ve paid for the product, well they don’t really care if you can understand Kevin. So please please let me press one for English and then four for account management. For crying in the sink, don’t make me speak to a person.