Not having any children myself, I have had to quickly learn the little interesting things about watching kids that no one talks about. After years of being surprised and reacting badly, these are the top ten things I’ve learned about kids.
1. You may relish the rare quiet moments when you have a house full of children, but there is a very specific formula that you must remember in order to maintain minimum household and bodily damage. One or two children being quiet merely means they are blissfully occupied. Three quiet children usually means a mass conspiracy. If you suddenly find yourself in a silent home with four children in it and they are not sleeping, it’s time to panic. Find them immediately because something is being destroyed or someone is being held captive.
2. If girls are left alone with makeup and hair accessories, at least one little brother will eventually emerge in drag. This is usually hilarious but unfortunately it is rare to capture such a thing on film.
3. When giving the kids any kind of activity, don’t think this will allow you to have a moment of peace. If you don’t check in every few minutes to see what they’ve created, they will bring it to you. They will even wake you up or knock on the bathroom door to show you. This is apparently imperative part of the creative process.
4. “I’m bored” does not mean that the child wants you to find him or her something to do. It is code for “I would like your undivided attention.”
5. Children have no concept of travelling sound. If you play your cards right, they will believe that you have superpowers. This gives you a substantial advantage.
6. Sending kids outside when they get rowdy will only ensure that they will destroy something outside rather than inside.
7. When kids are in trouble they are totally freaked out by close proximity and eye contact. It’s like bad behavior kryptonite.
8. When four kids are getting showers, they will use every towel in the house and yet still find a way to flood the bathroom.
9. Kids will remember and repeat everything you say. It’s even more fun for them if it’s highly inappropriate. They especially like to say these things in front of their parents. Laughing only encourages this behavior, however, kids have this uncanny ability to note when you are amused even if you are outwardly scowling, saying, “Don’t say that. It’s not nice.”
10. When bringing kids into your home you have to make a conscious decision to relinquish some control. If you are afraid of messes or that they’ll break something every time they move, no one will have a good time. Put on your fun cap and remember that messes can be cleaned up. Years from now, no one will remember that it took an hour and a half to clean up the kitchen after making lasagna, but everyone will remember how much fun it was, that it was super good, and the kids did it all by themselves.
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