So this summer, through a series of lucky circumstances, we became the owners of our very own above ground pool. I know, I know, I used to poo-poo them as well, but that was before I had one. I have been in it nearly every day since we put it up and have definitely gotten some serious use out of it. However, I just have a few tips for the manufacturers.This thing is an eye sore. The electric blue you have chosen does not deceive anyone into thinking that they are swimming in the Caribbean and it does not blend into any type of landscaping. If you’re going to go with irony, go all out and commit to it. Make it look like a giant bucket or just print “I’m a cheap plastic pool!” across the side of it. At least that’s funny.
Are the warning graphics really necessary? Have so many people tried to suck their hair into the intake or dive into a four foot pool that you have to spell it out like this? Put it in the manual. There’s no need to stencil it onto the actual pool. The rickety ladder of death. *sigh* Is this your inconspicuous way of keeping fat people out of the pool? This thing is so flimsy. Of course you can buy a sturdier ladder to prevent you from falling to your death, but it costs more than the pool itself. There’s just got to be a better way. Maybe a bungee system that gently lifts you out of the pool and delivers you safely on your feet on the other side? Or maybe you can just not use plastic. In case you didn’t realize, plastic gets soft when it sits out in the noon day sun. If you’re swimming, it’s likely hot outside.
Speaking of hot, it only takes one good 90 plus degree day to transform a refreshing pool of bliss into a steaming bucket of urine temperature misery. Of course it’s nothing a 20 lbs. bag of ice can’t cure, but somehow speaking the words, “Git me smice for the poo.” makes me feel like I should have a couple of dead cars and a toilet with a plant in it in the yard to complement my brand new swimming hole.
Oh, and a last word about the “don’t pee in the pool!” people. If four adult people have been drinking beer and standing chest high in water for the better part of 3 hours and no one has gotten out of the pool but you, you’re the only one who hasn’t peed in it.
7 comments:
Great blog!! almost peed in my own pool.... Keep it coming.
This stuff is hilarious!! More! More!
Dear Molly,
We are thrilled to hear the raving review of your brand new pool. As per your questions:
Please keep in mind that we sell above ground pools, and thus we service a select brand of clientele. As you may know, “Hold my beer and watch this” stunts often end tragically in court. You may also notice that none of our warnings contain actual written words. Through our vast years of experience, we have discovered that pictures work better than words. Words can sometimes be misunderstood, or not read at all.
Please also understand that you are now the proud owner of an above ground pool, and of all the reasons why it won’t blend into its surroundings, the electric blue color is the least of the problems. Besides, are you trying to hide it? Are you ashamed? You should instead be rejoicing as you proudly show off your new luxury item to all of your jealous neighbors. Can you hear that sound? That’s the sound of your property value soaring!
With regards to the ladder, please be certain that we would, in no way, ever intentionally refer to any of our customers as “fat people.” As you have already stated, we do offer a more expensive ladder. It’s expensive not only because of the quality, but because we assume this will be the last purchase you make from us once someone decides to cannonball off the ladder, especially someone of aforementioned body attributes.
Thank you again for buying your pool from us, where our motto is, “It’s not an overgrown kiddie pool, because it’s mortally unsafe for children.
Sincerely,
Pool Makers, Inc.
Holy Cow! Lol! This is great, keep it coming! You rock!
I'm going to need one of these every day. Great stuff!!!
Oh my, this is getting even better Molly ( I read this one first). I rarely tell people what to do but you need to be a stand up comedian. You need to.
Damn it! I meant to say I read this one second! What is wrong with me? I often say things backwards than what I mean. I wonder what that means.
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