Summertime

I actually enjoyed this summer. Usually the oppressive heat and astronomical electric bills that are the result of keeping the house at a dreamy 71 degrees are enough to make me cranky at best and homicidal at worst. This year I decided to accept the fact that I am going to sweat and be snacked on by mosquitoes and actually ventured outdoors. During these steamy months I managed to not only learn some things myself but bust a few myths held by my friends. You may recognize yourself in the following list, but don’t worry, I’m not mentioning any names.

1.   River and/or pool water does not remove skank from your body. That requires soap. Toweling off after swimming and after a shower are very similar actions, and you may be able to trick your brain into thinking you’re clean, but your nose knows that you’re not and so does everyone else’s.

2.    Barry Manilow never sang a song about a place called the “Cocoa-Banana” that must be in Georgia because it’s the hottest spot north of “Savannah.”  

3.   Citronella candles provide a lovely dining atmosphere for mosquitoes.

4.   If it stings, bites or contains toxins of any kind I will have the most severe reaction recorded in medical history. This year alone I have had near death experiences with yellow flies, fire ants and currently chiggers.

5.   No matter how fast you go, you can’t outrun a song on the car radio, you must push the button.

6.   hot beer + hot outside = vomit (which is also hot)

7.   It’s never okay to run barefoot down the driveway to the mail box. It’s not as close as you think and the soles of your feet with actually melt off.

8.    It is not only possible, but likely that an entire 12 pack of beer will explode when left in the freezer overnight. Anyone who took 5^th grade science should know that. And now your friends are thirsty.

9.   Plastic tarp + sprinkler + dish detergent = fun times for kids. For adults it means a visit to the Emergency Room.

10.  If you put goggles on, your brain will trick you into thinking you can breathe. You cannot do this without the snorkel.