Kidding Around

Believe it or not, not every woman on the planet yearns to procreate. I have never been one of those girls that dreamed of having a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. Sometimes. But therein lays the problem. After a significant chunk of time has elapsed, kids just get on my last damn nerve and I have to give them back to their rightful owners before I hurt them. My time limit is usually about 8 hours. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but that’s about average. So when people say to me, “You’re so great with kids, why don’t you have any of your own?” it just rubs me the wrong way. I am forced to say, “I don’t want them.” And this evokes a shocked reaction that makes me appear to be a selfish tool. So here it is, for the last time. I don’t want kids, and here’s why:

1.       I have issues with clutter. When there’s a lot of stuff lying around, I feel like I can’t breathe.  Sometimes when I go into the homes of friends with small children I have to force myself to not act like a neurotic lunatic. The amount of colorful plastic crap covering the floor and every surface in the house is so uncomfortable to me, I often find myself making organized piles without even realizing it. I am aware that it’s offensive but I honestly don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’ve heard the question, “Are you cleaning my house?” more than once and I can only uncomfortably answer with, “Apparently. Sorry about that.”

2.       I secretly have bad, non-maternal thoughts about people’s kids. A person that I hardly know, but apparently thinks we’re BFF’s showed me a picture of her toddler in a store recently. “Isn’t she just precious?” To which I answered, “The precious-est.” But what I was really thinking was, “It must be really hard to love a kid that ugly. Seriously, that’s just side-show ugly. Was her daddy an oompa-loompa? ”

3.       I am selfish. I know that the first time I have to stay home when I really want to go out because I have a kid, I’m going to resent having it. I am also at the age when I don’t recover from going out as quickly as I used to. It’s all well and good to get a sitter for the night, but what about the next day when I feel like crap, but I have to be “mommy”? I am even more selfish when I’m forced to reside in a dehydrated shriveled up pile of toxic waste shell of a body. In this condition it would not seem unreasonable for me to lock a kid in their room with a box of Cheerio’s and a bowl of water.

4.       My gene pool. The only positive things I can think of that I could pass onto a child are a high IQ and good teeth. This would be fantastic if it weren’t coupled with a slew of other obstacles that are lurking around in there, like alcoholism, obesity, crippling depression, poor eyesight and diabetes, just off the top of my head. These things are not the legacy I want to leave to future generations and I certainly don’t want to curse a child with them.

5.       I have to work at it to be “kid friendly.” Maybe this is why kids exhaust me after a day or so. The constant censoring of my language is tiring. What’s worse is that I find a toddler swearing absolutely hilarious. Especially if it’s unprovoked and the swear word is used properly. I have learned that no matter how much you try to hide it, kids can just sense when you are amused by something.  This will cause them to do whatever the offensive behavior is over and over and will not hesitate to do it in public.

So the point is, I like this arrangement. Bring me your children when I ask for them so I can play with them and teach them cool stuff, then come get them right before their child-like behavior starts getting on my nerves. And stop asking, because no matter how unbelievable you may think it is, no, I don’t want any of my own.

Is it Naptime Yet?

Not having any children myself, I have had to quickly learn the little interesting things about watching kids that no one talks about. After years of being surprised and reacting badly, these are the top ten things I’ve learned about kids.

1.       You may relish the rare quiet moments when you have a house full of children, but there is a very specific formula that you must remember in order to maintain minimum household and bodily damage. One or two children being quiet merely means they are blissfully occupied. Three quiet children usually means a mass conspiracy. If you suddenly find yourself in a silent home with four children in it and they are not sleeping, it’s time to panic. Find them immediately because something is being destroyed or someone is being held captive.

2.       If girls are left alone with makeup and hair accessories, at least one little brother will eventually emerge in drag. This is usually hilarious but unfortunately it is rare to capture such a thing on film.

3.       When giving the kids any kind of activity, don’t think this will allow you to have a moment of peace. If you don’t check in every few minutes to see what they’ve created, they will bring it to you. They will even wake you up or knock on the bathroom door to show you. This is apparently imperative part of the creative process.

4.       “I’m bored” does not mean that the child wants you to find him or her something to do. It is code for “I would like your undivided attention.”

5.       Children have no concept of travelling sound. If you play your cards right, they will believe that you have superpowers. This gives you a substantial advantage.

6.       Sending kids outside when they get rowdy will only ensure that they will destroy something outside rather than inside.

7.       When kids are in trouble they are totally freaked out by close proximity and eye contact. It’s like bad behavior kryptonite.

8.       When four kids are getting showers, they will use every towel in the house and yet still find a way to flood the bathroom.

9.       Kids will remember and repeat everything you say. It’s even more fun for them if it’s highly inappropriate. They especially like to say these things in front of their parents. Laughing only encourages this behavior, however, kids have this uncanny ability to note when you are amused even if you are outwardly scowling, saying, “Don’t say that. It’s not nice.”

10.   When bringing kids into your home you have to make a conscious decision to relinquish some control. If you are afraid of messes or that they’ll break something every time they move, no one will have a good time. Put on your fun cap and remember that messes can be cleaned up. Years from now, no one will remember that it took an hour and a half to clean up the kitchen after making lasagna, but everyone will remember how much fun it was, that it was super good, and the kids did it all by themselves.