I was hanging out with Wendy yesterday, and it occurred to us that although greeting cards are getting ridiculously specific, there are quite a few situations that have been left out. Here are some of the ideas we tossed around.
Front: Our deepest sympathies on your recent development of erectile dysfunction…
Inside: It must be very hard on you.
Front: We’re so sorry to hear about your son’s guilty verdict…
Inside: Unfortunately, the truth does not always set you free.
Front: We offer our condolences upon hearing of your unfortunate situation with a broken condom…
Inside: We’re positive that your test will be negative.
Front: Our thoughts are with you during your impending divorce…
Inside: Unfortunately half of zero is still zero.
Front: Congratulations on your recent intervention.
Inside: Please accept this bottle of the finest vintage champagne.
Front: Congratulations on your decision to purchase your first hearing aid.
Inside: We know it will only enrich your life. (For your convenience this card is also available in closed captioning.)
And my personal favorite:
Front: We’re sorry to hear that your car has been repossessed.
Inside: The ford giveth and the ford taketh away.
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