Dewie and I were sitting on the porch this morning with our
delicious coffee beverages, arguing about whose turn it was to bathe the dog.
“I’m pretty sure I did it last. Remember, because I had to
ask you to get her up on the benches because she was being all belligerent and
whatnot and she weighs 700 pounds,” Dewie proudly and overconfidently stated.
“That’s true, but you’re forgetting the last time was when I
was watching the kids and we tromped through the flooded
cornfield. I gave her a bath before we went in the house, Mistaken Wrongington
from Incorrectville. Should I do my victory dance now, or wait until you’re
covered in soap and dog hair?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot that one.”
“OWWW! Son of a… What the hell?!?” Suddenly the back of my knee
is on fire. I start slapping at my pants like a deranged bongo player.
“What’s the matter?”
“Stings! Holy @#$%ing SH@#! For the love of all that is holy
get it out!”
“What is it? Is it a bee?”
“I DON”T KNOW!!! I can’t see through my pants!” I
frantically pull up my pant leg searching for whatever is trying to murder
me. Nothing. I can’t find anything. I
drop the pant leg thinking whatever it was has escaped its horrible cotton
prison. Immediately it starts again. “What the hell?! OWWWW! JEEEZ. STUPID
#$%^ER!!!!” Alright, now I’m in a panic. I start to take my pants off.
Dewie screams at me, “Where is your underwear?!”
“They’re pajamas! Who wears underwear with pajamas?!”
“Well at least go in the house first!”
“What if it gets away inside the house?! It’s MELTING MY
FLESH OFF! Do you want that crawling into the bed?!
“You’re not showing your ass to the neighborhood! We’ll
catch it. GO INSIDE!”
I stumble in the door, desperately tugging at my pants. I
brush my legs in case it’s still stuck to me. My knee pit is covered in welts, but the
perpetrator is still on the lam. I turn the pants inside out and a single
winged ant is crawling around on the inside of one leg. One ant. Sometimes I
hate Florida.
2 comments:
It could be worse if you don't believe it find one of those bright orange and black ant looking things. Some call them cow ants and some call them king bull ants. But there not ants at all they are wingless wasps you can step on them on the ground and smush them into the ground they will survive and keep on ticking. I had a friend of mine play with one saying look I can smash it to the ground and I told him don't just kill it and forget about it. Well the fool picked it up with his hand and said look no problem. Then it stung him well at the hospital they were conserding cutting the webbing between the finger to prevent the skin from tearing due to swelling. Yea play with that fool.
EW. And also EW EW EW to the comment above me. Squicked out here.
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