Merry Birthday

Having a birthday four days before Christmas sucks. People are busy, broke and generally distracted. It’s hard to insist that a day be all about me under these circumstances. Hard…but not impossible. That’s why you have to start reminding people early. It’s true that “Guess what happens in four days?” is usually met with eye rolling and indifference, what they’re really thinking is “Crap! I gotta get a cake mix.” The reminding technique is imperative to guarantee that your special day is properly observed.  The rest is up to you. Everyone has at least one loved one with a birthday that is overshadowed by Christmas. The following is a list of things that happen regularly that make those of us with Christmas birthdays feel like an afterthought.

1.       Receiving birthday gifts wrapped in Christmas paper.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unappreciative of the gift. I love presents, especially goofy ones and homemade ones.  But basically what you’re saying when you wrap it in Christmas paper is that, “I forgot about your birthday and my kid forgot to take this to his teacher so I gave it to you.”  You wouldn’t give a gift to someone for their birthday wrapped in baby shower paper or paper that says, “Happy Graduation!”  And no, you can’t just turn it inside out, but that is slightly better than getting it Christmas side out.

2.       Picking a present out from under the tree for your birthday.

Yes, this has actually happened to me. This statement is always quickly followed by, “No! Not that one! Or that one! Here, this one is OK.” Fuzzy socks covered in tiny Santas, just what I always wanted for my birthday. Just admit it. You forgot. Don’t insult me by making me participate in this embarrassing charade. It’s just pitiful.

3.       Receiving Christmas instead of birthday cards.

It just doesn’t count. You can’t scribble out the Merry Christmas and write Happy Birthday.  The next person that does this is going to receive a “Congratulations on the new baby!” card for their next birthday. You might as well go the card aisle blind folded and pick one out all pin the tail on the donkey style.

4.       Actually telling me, “I didn’t get you anything for your birthday because we spent all of our money on Christmas.”

This statement is insulting on so many levels. First of all, I don’t expect everyone on the planet to give me something on my birthday and to indicate that I would be so presumptuous and greedy, frankly hurts my feelings a little. Secondly, it’s almost accusatory, like I have a lot of nerve to choose to be born so close to a major holiday.

5.       “I know it’s a Christmas (mug, socks, pen, etc.), but it’s the thought that counts, right?”

Actually it is the thought that counts, and right now you have just handed me evidence that no thought what-so-ever has gone into this gift. Trust me, I would rather you give me nothing at all  than make me look at you and fake gratitude while you blatantly express to me that I am not important enough to require minimal effort on your part. It’s embarrassing for both of us, whether you know to be embarrassed or not.

It’s not really that complicated. Everyone wants to be acknowledged on their birthday and when it feels like an obligatory afterthought it kind of sucks, especially when it happens year after year. So, be nice. Instead of half-assing it, send me a text or an email. Make me some cookies. Draw me a funny picture. Just make sure there are no Christmas trees in it.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

I don’t understand rock, paper, scissors. I get how rock beats scissors. A rock would smash the crap out of those scissors. Even if the rock doesn’t break them, they would at least be rendered unusable.

Scissors would definitely beat paper. I get that. Even if they’re really dull, you can stab the hell out of some paper. If you stab it enough you won’t be able to write around the holes. With just a few holes you still wouldn’t be able to say wrap a gift in it. If paper and scissors were in a fight, the only thing paper would be able to do is lay perfectly flat and hope it opponent is a pair of those safety scissors with the rounded tips that they give you to use in school. Paper is scissor’s bitch for sure.

That brings me to the ridiculous part. On what planet does paper beat a rock? If someone was coming at me with a rock, my weapon of choice would not be a sheet of paper. You can wrap a rock in a butt load of paper and it’s still going to hurt if someone hits you with it. If you throw a rock at a piece of paper, you have the same results as with the scissors and as we previously discussed, scissors owns paper. Covering a rock doesn’t destroy it, it provides a deceptive disguise. Essentially paper turns the rock into a ninja. It enhances its capabilities; makes it more stealth and deadly.  

The only instance in which paper would beat rock is if the paper was a warrant for your arrest. No amount of rock throwing would beat that paper, but then neither would scissors, so it can’t be rock, warrant, scissors. Warrant would always win.  I think the problem in the equation is the rock. Anything that would beat a rock would also beat scissors. Rocks are hard. Whatever you change it to, you’ll have to be able to quickly make the shape with one hand and I already have a hand gesture that will win every time.

Pants on Fire

My girlfriend is easily overwhelmed and a chronic exaggerator. Like the boy who cried wolf, it is difficult to know what situations are blown all out of proportion and which ones need immediate attention. Over the years I have developed a Dewie-vs-reality translation system. Here are some of the highlights:

1.       There are flies everywhere!!

This happens more often than you would think. Our house is old and drafty and sometimes stuff gets in. Also, the area where we keep the wheely garbage can when it’s not on the curb is right outside the kitchen window. Occasionally there are flies everywhere. However, most of the time this merely means that she has swatted at a fly, killed it, and then immediately saw another one. Two flies in the kitchen are all it takes to conclude that there are flies everywhere.

2.       There are shoes lying all over this house!

Granted, I am really bad about leaving my shoes wherever I park my ass. If I sit, the shoes usually come off. I am not a fan of shoes and if it weren’t for the huge population of impossible to kill mutant fire ants, I probably wouldn’t wear them at all. More often than not, Dewie has just tripped over a pair and the surge of adrenaline from almost biting it has morphed into anger. This particular statement can mean that there are ten pairs of shoes lying around the house, or there is one. Contrary to what she thinks, I do not strategically place my shoes in places where I know she will be walking. The house is small. It just works out that way.

3.       There is no food in this house!!

This one is easy. Translation: there are no chips in the house.  The woman loves a tater chip.

4.       This house is disgusting!

Our house never gets disgusting. I have been in disgusting houses, and this one never even comes close to disgusting. This statement usually means that she has picked up a cup from more than one room or the dog hair has twisted itself into tumbleweed and is rambling down the hallway. Nothing a little Swiffer sweep vac won’t remedy in about 5 minutes.

5.       It’s got to be 100 degrees in here.

Two words:  Hot. Flash.  The temperature in the room did not spontaneously rise 20 degrees. It is not your medication. It is menopause. Accept it. Embrace it. Stand in front of the freezer for a minute.

6.       I cut my (insert random limb here) off!

Now this one you have to check, because it only means that she is bleeding. It could be a paper cut or she might be holding her own severed foot in her hand. It’s difficult to tell. The level of panic is exactly the same. A rule of thumb though, wait until she’s said it at least twice before you get up. The more she repeats it, the more severe the injury.

Now, with experience, you too can learn to discern a true travesty from an exasperated rant.  

Shark Attack

I am not typically a violent person, but I find myself hoping people will get hurt when they partake in stupid activities. The rush of endorphins seems to be enough reason to put your life in danger for a fairly large portion of the population.  I don’t understand it. I know it seems sadistic, but here’s a list of stupid crap people do that I hope ends in injury.

1.       Swimming with Sharks.

I almost understand it for the sake of education, but for purely entertainment purposes, this is beyond moronic. You cannot “make friends” with a shark. Sharks are simple, barely alive almost robotic animals with tiny little brains that function almost solely on instinct. Oh, and they have the capability of eating your face off.  Getting a cage and throwing bloody meat at them is not my idea of fun. I always wish the dumbass in the cage would stick his arm out just a little further…

2.       Bull fighting

This is not only dumb, but mean. What kind of macho piece of crap needs to prove his manhood by getting in the ring with a bull that’s already been beaten half to death? Humans are already at the top of the food chain; just go have a burger and call it conquered.

3.       Bull Riding

The bull clearly does not care to be ridden or he wouldn’t be jumping around like that. What’s the purpose of this? I’ve never seen anyone riding a bull around explaining, “Yeah, we finally broke him. He was a tough one, but he’s just gentle as can be now.” Along the same lines of the bull fighting, the need to conquer this animal seems to be pretty universal. I suspect it has something to do with the size of its enormous wiener.

4.       BASE Jumping

This is by far the dumbest thing I have ever seen. It does not take even a smidge of talent to jump off of high things. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that gravity is doing all the work. I kind of wish gravity and the wind would conspire to blow that idiot right into that outcrop of sharp rocks. At least that way we know he won’t be breeding.

5.       Anyone who sticks their heads into a giant animal’s mouth.

You see it all the time, some “trainer” proving their dominance over a huge dangerous animal by sticking their head between its powerful jaws. Maybe this impresses some people. Animals are not entertainment. Lions, tiger, crocodiles… they all belong in the wild. You’ve already stolen it’s dignity by making him perform; now you’re going to stick your head in its mouth? I hope that thing snaps your neck like a chicken bone. I also hope those vise-like jaws cause one of your eyes to pop out and roll along the floor so you can watch him eat your face before you die. Idiot.