Temporary Insanity

I’d imagine PMS is as close to experiencing schizophrenia a sane person can come. Ridiculous mood swings, insatiable appetite for sugar and salt, impulse control issues and little voices that tell you to hurt people are all common symptoms to me. Although I’ve never had very regular cycles, I usually get a heads up when I find myself feeling kind of “stabby.” I call my little voice Papi, because I imagine that he’s a little bad ass Mexican gangbanger, and I am most definitely his bitch for 4 or 5 days out of the month. His voice is pretty hard to ignore. That’s why it’s in red.

Example #1:

Dewie: Are you going to eat that whole bag of peanut butter M&M’s?

Me: What do you care? You can’t eat them, your foot will fall off (she’s diabetic).

Dewie: You’re going to feel like crap.

Me: Stab that bitch in the face. Right in the effin face, man. You need to back the hell off.

Example #2:

Dewie: You look nice today. I like that color on you.

Me: You know you’re all bloated and sh@!. And that color red really brings out the inflammation in that big effin crater on your chin. She’s patronizing you. She’s making you look like a bitch, man. *Bursting into tears* Leave me alone! I’m a monsterrrrr!

Example #3

Me: I feel like crap.

Dewie: I know, just chill, I’ll take care of dinner.

Me: She thinks you’re a lazy bitch. She doesn’t believe you when you tell her I’m using your ovary as a tether ball. She thinks you’re a useless piece of crap, man. FINE! I’ll do it. Jesus, just get the hell outta my way!

Example #4

Me: You need a effin filet-o-fish man. If you don’t get a filet-o-fish you might actually die. I wanna filet-o-fish.

Dewie: Then go get one.

Me: Man, that bitch don’t care about you. If she gave a crap about you she would go get that filet-o-fish for you, put it in a gift box and wrap it with a shiny bow. She hates you. She haaaaattteeeessss youuuuuu, man. You hate me. I neeeeed a filet-o-fish.

Dewie: Then go get one.

Me: Don’t tell her she should go get it. She should know that. You’d better get one quick, it’s the only thing in the whole world that will make you feel better. I need one right now.

Dewie: You want me to go get you one?

Me:  That bitch is lucky she figured it out. Yes, please. That sh@! better come with a bow.

Example #5

Me: Where the hell is Dewie? She knows you don’t feel good, man. She’s just ignoring you so you can wallow in your misery, man. She don’t love you. Deeeeeewie! Where arrrrrre you?

Dewie: In here, playing on the computer.

Me: She loves that stupid game more than she loves you. I’m lonely.

Dewie: Ok, I’m coming. (Dewie comes in the living room and sits beside me on the couch.)

Me: Look at her, just sitting there. She’s always watching you, controlling everything you do. She thinks you’re some kind of bitch that needs supervision, man. Don’t take that crap from her. Why are you always watching me? I don’t need a babysitter.

Dewie: Ooookay. I guess I’ll go finish my game then.

Me: Of course she will. That’s all she cares about. Wait! Don’t leave me.

Dewie: Christ, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME???

Me:  I. DON’T. KNOWWWW!!!!

And I don’t. It’s all about what Papi wants. And he’s a fickle little dude.

Skim Milk Duds

I was happily munching away on some Milk Duds when I noticed that there was a label on the side of the box that said, “35% less fat than other leading chocolate candies.” My first thought was “who the hell cares?” When I thought about it further I realized that was exactly the question the advertisers needed to ask themselves. A lot of companies seem to be jumping on this healthy food bandwagon, and they’re totally missing the point. The kind of person that enjoys milk duds in the middle of the day for no occasion whatsoever is not the kind of person that gives a rat’s ass how much fat or sugar is in their candy. It’s CANDY. It’s supposed to be bad for you. I’ve never seen a dietician standing in the candy aisle at Walgreens holding up a box of milk duds while explaining to a fat person that the milk duds are a better snack choice.

Fast food chains are doing this too. McDonald’s in particular has started with the salads and Happy Meals with milk and apple slices. If you’re choosing to eat at McDonald’s you have already decided that you are willing to accept a little more lunch lady arm jiggle in exchange for a crappy food high. Besides, the food (and I use that term loosely) at McDonalds a carefully constructed chemical concoction that contains no natural ingredients. I don’t trust them with fresh produce. They don’t know about refrigeration and germs. It’s not necessary to learn any of that when the food is made of some sort of edible plastic. And milk and apple slices for the kids? You’re going to bring your kid to McDonald’s and make them eat apples? That’s just cruel. Feed them apples at home. Fast food should be a treat. If you’re eating there so often that you need healthier options for your kid, then you really need to visit a grocery store. Those shiny red and green things next to the bananas are the apple slices before they’re cut up and bagged. Get yourself a knife and you’re on your way. Besides, apple slices don’t cancel out the fact that they ate that cheeseburger or those four little chicken flavored McNuggets any more than a diet coke cancels out a Big Mac.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doggin’ on McDonald’s. I love me some filet-o-fish sandwich, but I in no way believe that there is actually fish on that sandwich. I don’t know what the hell it is, but it’s good. I would not be shocked to find out that it contained as astronomical number of calories and tons of fat, but I don’t go to McDonald’s for a healthy treat. Anyone who does is really grasping at straws. I’m not sure which is worse, that advertisers think they’re tricking people into thinking that candy and fast food is healthy, or that some people actually buy into it.

**An interesting side note, the spell check in Word did not pick up any of the McDonald’s terms. (Big Mac, Filet-o-fish etc.) What does that say about society?