Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It all started with a picture. There I was having a blast, delicious adult beverage in one hand, cigarette in the other, laughing at something I’m sure was hilarious. But looking at the picture did not bring me joy. Instead I felt more than a little horrified. I looked at the woman in the picture and did not see my normal chubby self. What I saw was a big, giant blob of diabetes with a cancer chaser in each hand.  Damn.

As many of you know, food and me, well we’re not so secret lovers. I’m not just talking about junk, it’s all of it. Bright, delicious fruits and veggies, fresh soft breads, nuts, seeds, yogurt, ice cream, chocolate, foreign, unpronounceable cheese, sea creatures, land creatures, you name it, I love it. And I eat it. A lot of it. Now in the past, I have been able to drop 20 or 30 pounds in a week or two. The shock value and water loss alone is usually a good five or six pounds the first day. I’m a good dieter… short term. So imagine my surprise when after the first day of my new diet I stepped on the scale and I had only lost 2 pounds. What the hell? So we’re gonna play it like that are we? I don’t need a calendar to figure out that my body has decided that it’s too old for this nonsense and has decided to hold onto the chub-a-lub with a death grip. This can only mean one thing. This one’s for good. Sigh. So with one week down (and nearly nine pounds gone) and a lifetime to go, it’s time for me to get real with myself.

1.      While it is true that the camera adds ten pounds, it does not add fifty. While everyone takes a horrible picture every now and then, you will not pacify yourself with lunacy.

2.       You will not use your menstrual cycle as an excuse to eat crap. It’s an easy out, and you know it. Just stay away from sharp objects and suck it up.

3.       The food you eat while making food counts. Stop it.

4.       You will not eat things just so they don’t go to waste. They’ll do you more good in the garbage than on your ass.

5.       Adding things to coffee (chocolate, caramel, peppermint candy, schnapps, etc) does not erase its calories. They’re still there, even if you choose to dismiss them as food accessories.

6.       You will not justify eating bad food by telling yourself that it’s better than worse food. A peanut butter and honey sandwich may be better than a hamburger, but you still need to put it the hell down.

7.       I will not explain away poor choices by telling myself that I deserve a “treat.” You know damn well that the real treats will be accompanied by balloons and a theme song, not eaten at midnight while hiding behind the refrigerator door.

I’m sure there’s more, but you get the idea. No more excuses. Here I go; turning the page. And I know, I’m working on the smoking. Let’s focus on one trauma at a time.  

Skim Milk Duds

I was happily munching away on some Milk Duds when I noticed that there was a label on the side of the box that said, “35% less fat than other leading chocolate candies.” My first thought was “who the hell cares?” When I thought about it further I realized that was exactly the question the advertisers needed to ask themselves. A lot of companies seem to be jumping on this healthy food bandwagon, and they’re totally missing the point. The kind of person that enjoys milk duds in the middle of the day for no occasion whatsoever is not the kind of person that gives a rat’s ass how much fat or sugar is in their candy. It’s CANDY. It’s supposed to be bad for you. I’ve never seen a dietician standing in the candy aisle at Walgreens holding up a box of milk duds while explaining to a fat person that the milk duds are a better snack choice.

Fast food chains are doing this too. McDonald’s in particular has started with the salads and Happy Meals with milk and apple slices. If you’re choosing to eat at McDonald’s you have already decided that you are willing to accept a little more lunch lady arm jiggle in exchange for a crappy food high. Besides, the food (and I use that term loosely) at McDonalds a carefully constructed chemical concoction that contains no natural ingredients. I don’t trust them with fresh produce. They don’t know about refrigeration and germs. It’s not necessary to learn any of that when the food is made of some sort of edible plastic. And milk and apple slices for the kids? You’re going to bring your kid to McDonald’s and make them eat apples? That’s just cruel. Feed them apples at home. Fast food should be a treat. If you’re eating there so often that you need healthier options for your kid, then you really need to visit a grocery store. Those shiny red and green things next to the bananas are the apple slices before they’re cut up and bagged. Get yourself a knife and you’re on your way. Besides, apple slices don’t cancel out the fact that they ate that cheeseburger or those four little chicken flavored McNuggets any more than a diet coke cancels out a Big Mac.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doggin’ on McDonald’s. I love me some filet-o-fish sandwich, but I in no way believe that there is actually fish on that sandwich. I don’t know what the hell it is, but it’s good. I would not be shocked to find out that it contained as astronomical number of calories and tons of fat, but I don’t go to McDonald’s for a healthy treat. Anyone who does is really grasping at straws. I’m not sure which is worse, that advertisers think they’re tricking people into thinking that candy and fast food is healthy, or that some people actually buy into it.

**An interesting side note, the spell check in Word did not pick up any of the McDonald’s terms. (Big Mac, Filet-o-fish etc.) What does that say about society?