Temporary Insanity

I’d imagine PMS is as close to experiencing schizophrenia a sane person can come. Ridiculous mood swings, insatiable appetite for sugar and salt, impulse control issues and little voices that tell you to hurt people are all common symptoms to me. Although I’ve never had very regular cycles, I usually get a heads up when I find myself feeling kind of “stabby.” I call my little voice Papi, because I imagine that he’s a little bad ass Mexican gangbanger, and I am most definitely his bitch for 4 or 5 days out of the month. His voice is pretty hard to ignore. That’s why it’s in red.

Example #1:

Dewie: Are you going to eat that whole bag of peanut butter M&M’s?

Me: What do you care? You can’t eat them, your foot will fall off (she’s diabetic).

Dewie: You’re going to feel like crap.

Me: Stab that bitch in the face. Right in the effin face, man. You need to back the hell off.

Example #2:

Dewie: You look nice today. I like that color on you.

Me: You know you’re all bloated and sh@!. And that color red really brings out the inflammation in that big effin crater on your chin. She’s patronizing you. She’s making you look like a bitch, man. *Bursting into tears* Leave me alone! I’m a monsterrrrr!

Example #3

Me: I feel like crap.

Dewie: I know, just chill, I’ll take care of dinner.

Me: She thinks you’re a lazy bitch. She doesn’t believe you when you tell her I’m using your ovary as a tether ball. She thinks you’re a useless piece of crap, man. FINE! I’ll do it. Jesus, just get the hell outta my way!

Example #4

Me: You need a effin filet-o-fish man. If you don’t get a filet-o-fish you might actually die. I wanna filet-o-fish.

Dewie: Then go get one.

Me: Man, that bitch don’t care about you. If she gave a crap about you she would go get that filet-o-fish for you, put it in a gift box and wrap it with a shiny bow. She hates you. She haaaaattteeeessss youuuuuu, man. You hate me. I neeeeed a filet-o-fish.

Dewie: Then go get one.

Me: Don’t tell her she should go get it. She should know that. You’d better get one quick, it’s the only thing in the whole world that will make you feel better. I need one right now.

Dewie: You want me to go get you one?

Me:  That bitch is lucky she figured it out. Yes, please. That sh@! better come with a bow.

Example #5

Me: Where the hell is Dewie? She knows you don’t feel good, man. She’s just ignoring you so you can wallow in your misery, man. She don’t love you. Deeeeeewie! Where arrrrrre you?

Dewie: In here, playing on the computer.

Me: She loves that stupid game more than she loves you. I’m lonely.

Dewie: Ok, I’m coming. (Dewie comes in the living room and sits beside me on the couch.)

Me: Look at her, just sitting there. She’s always watching you, controlling everything you do. She thinks you’re some kind of bitch that needs supervision, man. Don’t take that crap from her. Why are you always watching me? I don’t need a babysitter.

Dewie: Ooookay. I guess I’ll go finish my game then.

Me: Of course she will. That’s all she cares about. Wait! Don’t leave me.

Dewie: Christ, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME???

Me:  I. DON’T. KNOWWWW!!!!

And I don’t. It’s all about what Papi wants. And he’s a fickle little dude.