A Similar Jaguar

Recently Dewie and I were watching a true crime type show. The show alternated between reenactments and interviewing the law enforcement officers involved in the case. All was well until a backward cop from Las Vegas said he found the “Jagwire aflame in the desert. Then I seen there was a body in the back seat.” Really? They couldn’t find a smarter guy to interview for a television show? I’d hate to read his actual report if this was the extra professional TV version.  Not to mention that he managed to hit on two of my major pet peeves in about 5 seconds. Now, I’m not claiming to be an expert on the English language, but some things are just inexcusable. Since I think it’s rude to correct the grammar of an adult (children are fair game under the guise of teaching), I’m going to get it out of my system on paper. Well, on screen. Let’s start with the desert cop. I want to believe that maybe English is not his first language, but his accent was pure hillbilly.

“Jagwire”

Whether you’re talking about a cat or a car, the word is “Jaguar.” I know it sounds somewhat awkward, but everyone else is not saying it wrong. Say it with me. Jag-war. Good. Moving on.

“I seen”

Actually, you saw. It is never ever acceptable for the word seen to follow the word I. Accept maybe at the extreme redneck training camp.

“Simular”

There is absolutely no “u” in the word similar. Unless you mean to actually say “simular” which means imposter or simulator, but honestly, no one really uses that word in normal conversation.  What you likely mean is similar, meaning kind of the same. Sim-i-lar.

“Pacifically”

Lest you’re making some strange reference to the Pacific Ocean where it was necessary to use pacific as an adverb, what you probably mean is “specifically.” Yes, the “s” is important.

“Irregardless”

This one is huge for me since it is not even a damn word. When I hear it, it’s like an ice pick in my ear. I shudder and have to resist the urge to become violent. If “irregardless" was a word, it would technically mean the opposite of the way it’s used. Please, for crying in the sink, just say, “regardless.”

Instantaneously

Ok, so this one is a legitimate word, but unless you’re talking about physics, it’s just not necessary. It’s pretentious and annoying. Just say, “instantly.”

“Nucular”

One “u”. Nuclear.  Noo-clee-er. Just stop it. Please.