Squirrel!!

We left the windows open last night. It was a little chilly but it felt amazing. This morning, I grabbed my coffee and walked into the living room. It was cold in there and I was deciding if I wanted to chance shutting the windows, knowing that the temperature would soon rise. I’m looking at the window when suddenly this squirrel actually jumps on the screen. He stared at me with frantic eyes and twitched his bushy tail. He was kind of cute.

“Hey there little buddy.”

Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch.

“Are you just visiting, or do you want to come in for a while? I made coffee. I could get you a bowl of peanuts. They’re salted, though. Maybe some corn.”

Twitchity twich, twitch, twitch.

“You’re adorable. Are you the most best looking man in your squirrel community? I bet all the girl squirrels are all like, ‘That twitchy-tail fella is the most handsome squirrel in all of squirrel-town. I wish he was my baby daddy.’ Yes they do, don’t they?”

Twitchy-twitch.

Then I hear it. That clicky, hocking sound cats make when they’re hunting. Nooooo.  I turn around and my giant, warrior cat is hunched down, poised to strike. I look at the squirrel. I look at the cat. I look at the squirrel. “Don’t just sit there, run for your life squirrel!!!”

Frantic eyes darting. Twitchity, twitch, twitch.

I turn to Duncan. “Please. Don’t. He’s not actually in the house. I beg of you. Please. Don’t. Do. It.”

What the hell is wrong with this squirrel? I clap my hands. “Scram, squirrel! Run like the wind! You are in mortal danger!!”

Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch.

I walk toward Duncan hoping to distract him. He seems to know this and makes his move. The world stops and turns all crouching tiger, hidden dragon. He takes to the air, jumps off my thigh and hits his mark. He lands on the screen. The squirrel finally moves, but the screen is not made to withstand Duncan’s 20 pound frame and Duncan flies out the window along with the screen. Without missing a beat , he takes off after the squirrel like it was his intention to push the screen out all along. The squirrel scales the fence and Duncan watches it disappear. He jumps back through the gaping hole and sits on the windows sill, licking his paw.

The house is silent and I am frozen. Did that effin’ just happen? It must have happened because the screen is outside. I finally find my feet and head outside to put the screen back in. 

Cat on a Cold Tar Roof

I open my eyes. The morning breeze flows in through the open window, damp and chilly. I pull the covers up closer to my chin and peek at the clock. Oh yeah, I can’t see that far. Stupid glasses. I blindly feel for my glasses and hold them up to look at the clock. It blurrily glows 7:10. The sun is just starting to come up. That chilly breeze is carrying a sound. It’s a whiney, high pitched call of some kind. Is that damn mockingbird back? Wait…no definitely human. What the hell is she saying? Rag weed?  Bird seed? The voice gets closer. Oh. Jazzy. That stupid woman is calling her cat again. I peek out the window and see a pink bathrobe pass behind the vine covered fence. Geez. It’s seven o’clock in the morning.

 I put my glasses on and walk into the kitchen to make coffee. The sound is coming every few seconds. “Jaaaaaa-zeeeeee! Jaaaaaaa-zeeeee!” I see movement outside and look up. There’s old jazzy sitting on top of my shed. His eyes slowly shifting from side to side and he watches the woman walk up and down the access road behind our houses. He flips his tail to let me know he sees me, but keeps his eyes trained on the woman.  I move closer to the open window.

 “What’s up little fella? Can I play too?” He flips his tail again.

 “Jaaaaaaa-zeeeee!”

I lean close to the screen and test out my best cat impression. “Meeew. Mew.” Jazzy whips his head around and looks at me.

“Jazzy?! Is that you?! Where are you baby?” Jazzy’s head snaps back to the woman. Since I don’t know how to say, “Over here!” in crazy cat lady I try another cat sound.

“RrrrrrRRRRrrrr. Hssssss!” Jazzy looks back at me.

“Jazzy!? Are you alright? Jazzy!!!” Jazzy looks at the woman. She is walking faster now, but passes right by us.

“Errrowwwwlllllll!” Jazzy looks at me.  He flips his tail. I believe he is enjoying this.  The woman spins around and homes in on my back yard. I almost let a giggle escape, but manage to swallow it. She is peeking through the vines on the fence.

“Jazzy? Are you back there? Are you ok baby?”

I can’t help it. I know it is just wrong. In my best cat voice I say, “Yeeesssss.”

The woman stops in her tracks. Her voice is confused and tentative this time. “Jazzy?”

“Up heeeere.” Jazzy flips his tail rhythmically.

The woman finally looks up. “There you are. Come down here and get your breakfast.”  The woman’s eyes dart around the yard, looking for the source of the voice. Jazzy looks back at me before he jumps to a nearby tree and makes his way to the ground. Jazzy and the woman disappear down the alley. Wow.