Squirrel!!

We left the windows open last night. It was a little chilly but it felt amazing. This morning, I grabbed my coffee and walked into the living room. It was cold in there and I was deciding if I wanted to chance shutting the windows, knowing that the temperature would soon rise. I’m looking at the window when suddenly this squirrel actually jumps on the screen. He stared at me with frantic eyes and twitched his bushy tail. He was kind of cute.

“Hey there little buddy.”

Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch.

“Are you just visiting, or do you want to come in for a while? I made coffee. I could get you a bowl of peanuts. They’re salted, though. Maybe some corn.”

Twitchity twich, twitch, twitch.

“You’re adorable. Are you the most best looking man in your squirrel community? I bet all the girl squirrels are all like, ‘That twitchy-tail fella is the most handsome squirrel in all of squirrel-town. I wish he was my baby daddy.’ Yes they do, don’t they?”

Twitchy-twitch.

Then I hear it. That clicky, hocking sound cats make when they’re hunting. Nooooo.  I turn around and my giant, warrior cat is hunched down, poised to strike. I look at the squirrel. I look at the cat. I look at the squirrel. “Don’t just sit there, run for your life squirrel!!!”

Frantic eyes darting. Twitchity, twitch, twitch.

I turn to Duncan. “Please. Don’t. He’s not actually in the house. I beg of you. Please. Don’t. Do. It.”

What the hell is wrong with this squirrel? I clap my hands. “Scram, squirrel! Run like the wind! You are in mortal danger!!”

Twitch, twitch. Twitch, twitch.

I walk toward Duncan hoping to distract him. He seems to know this and makes his move. The world stops and turns all crouching tiger, hidden dragon. He takes to the air, jumps off my thigh and hits his mark. He lands on the screen. The squirrel finally moves, but the screen is not made to withstand Duncan’s 20 pound frame and Duncan flies out the window along with the screen. Without missing a beat , he takes off after the squirrel like it was his intention to push the screen out all along. The squirrel scales the fence and Duncan watches it disappear. He jumps back through the gaping hole and sits on the windows sill, licking his paw.

The house is silent and I am frozen. Did that effin’ just happen? It must have happened because the screen is outside. I finally find my feet and head outside to put the screen back in.