School of Badassery

Some people are just naturally awesome. There are so many things I wish I could pull off, but alas, I just don’t exude badass-ness.  The following is a list of ways people that are cooler than me demonstrate their superiority. I so want a piece of that.

   

Lighting a match with your fingernail

I admit it. I am completely impressed by stupid bar tricks. How cool is it to pull out a match and set it aflame with a flick of your thumb? I have tried to practice this technique, but it always results in the head of the match flying off. While this does make an impression, it’s not exactly the one I was going for.

The stadium whistle

I didn’t really even learn to regular whistle until I was grown and honestly, I’m just not good at it. While I’m not above making some noise at a concert or sporting event, there’s just no dignity in the “Woooooo!” Sometimes if there’s a person around me doing the stadium whistle, I’ll just put my fingers in my mouth convincingly, scrunch my face up and pretend that I’m doing it. No. Really.

Juggling

Ok, so maybe juggling is a little goofy, but I’m not talking about like real, professional juggling. I’m not interested in juggling knives or things that are on fire and I don’t want to join the circus. I just want to nonchalantly toss some apples around while I’m talking to someone.

Light a zippo on my jeans

I’m sure you all know where this is going. I have tried. I have set my pants on fire. It’s not so much the flaming pants that ruin the cool façade, it’s putting the fire out. Nothing says super fly like having to extinguish your pants.

Doing things without looking.

Now I know this one is pretty vague, but the badass-est of the badass never have to look at what they’re doing. Whether it’s tossing trash in a can from a distance, shooting a basketball or just passing the salt, the truly badass never have to look at what they’re doing. It’s as if they’re saying, “I don’t have the time to give my attention to such menial tasks and I’m so much more advanced than you that I don’t have to.” Unfortunately, I am not very coordinated. Well let’s just put it out there… I’m a clumsy mess. I trip over cracks in sidewalks. I can’t even walk without looking.

Pop the cap off of a beer by hitting it on the counter.

The drawback to practicing this is that failed attempts often result in glass shards in your beer. I don’t have the money to buy “practice beer.”  Besides, beer and broken glass is not the best combination for me. (see previous list item)

Whenever I see people perform these most splendid feats, I remind myself that at some point they had to practice that and while they were doing it they looked stupid.