Killer Pill

Ok, so I was watching a documentary about serial killer couples and the father of one of the victims was being interviewed. Now, I know this fellow’s been through hell, but when he was asked how he felt about the fact that the killer died on death row before he could be executed he said, and I quote, “I was disappointed. I wanted to watch him die. I wanted to be there when they strung him up or gave him the bullet or the pill or whatever.” At first I just giggled a little. Clearly the guy has a drinking problem, he didn’t even put his tumbler down when he knew he was being filmed for a documentary and his hair looks like he’s been sleeping on a glue pillow, but the more I thought about it, the funnier it got. Let’s break this down.

Just so we’re all on the same page, his daughter was killed in 1984. The current year is 2011. This guy is probably at least 60. Ok, 60 years ago was 1951. The US hasn’t used hanging as way to execute prisoners since the 20’s at the latest, so even if I’m way off on his age, given his ridiculously twangy southern accent,  the only “stringing up” he would have ever seen would have been perpetrated by the Klan. Maybe he thinks the judge is a member of the Klan. They do both wear dresses. It’s an honest mistake when you’ve gone through a fifth of whisky before noon. Let’s move on.

I’m going to assume that “give him the bullet” refers to shooting him. I’m pretty sure firing squads went out with the civil war, but he thinks the judge is the grand wizard so it’s possible that he’s confused. How exactly would you watch someone being executed by firing squad? You would have to do it outside because that would just get messy. Does he think that they were going to issue him a spatter shield, safety glasses and earplugs and set out a folding chair for him?  If he’s lucky he’ll get an enthusiastic firing squad and they’ll start with the guy’s knees. He might even get a souvenir.

“This one went clean through. It’s even got a little blood on it. You wanna hold on to that? Oh! Careful, little bugger’s still hot.”

Now, I don’t even know where to begin with “the pill.” I’m sure he didn’t intend for the killer to be estrogen-ed to death so I’m guessing he’s referring to terrorists and spies using a cyanide capsule to commit suicide if they’re captured. Even if you strapped him to a chair, I’m not really sure how one would force someone else to swallow a poisonous pill.

“Ok, David, it’s time open your mouth.”

 (Presses lips together and shakes his head) “Mmmp mmnnnn!”

“Now let’s not make this harder than it has to be, open your mouth.”

“MMMMMMMP MNNNNNNN!”

(into radio) “Yeah, tell the warden we’re gonna need a suppository.”

Whatever the case may be, he wished he’d seen it.  I guess that’s his point.