I’ve never been a big fan of newspapers, mainly because they are printed on ridiculously large paper and unless you’re reading it at a table the size of an airplane wing they’re just awkward to handle. Admittedly, I acquire most of my news online. There’s really only one problem with this; almost every single news site online offers a space for the ignorant masses to voice their idiotic opinions. I know I don’t have to read them, but something in me needs to be reassured that there are reasonable, educated people left in this country. Unfortunately these comments are peppered with stupid, offensive, borderline literate musings that make me long for the days when I could just skip the editorial page. I can’t help myself; I have to read them even though they often leave me feeling hopeless and skeevy. Here are the worst offenders:
1. The “everything comes back to politics” people
It could be an article on bird flu, stupid baby names, or the discovery of a rare dinosaur bone. Inevitably, there will be people that blame this on either Obama or the conservative party. I’m pretty sure neither liberals nor conservatives had any hand in naming a kid “Apple” or conspired to hide and then find a rare fossil to further their careers.
2. Trolling
Because there are no consequences for running your mouth or purposefully picking a fight with someone over the internet, those people who can’t win a fight in real life pick one online. It’s never been funny in the past, and it is not funny now. You know if they said that crap in real life, they would be rewarded with a throat punch. They know it too. That’s why they stick to the web.
3. The “every problem in the world can be solved with Jesus” people
Often this is a response to real social issues like gangs, rapists, murderers, etc. Sure. If only Ted Bundy and Charles Manson had been approached by a Jehovah’s Witness, none of that unpleasantness would have happened. I don't know why experts on the human mind have never thought of this! Religion can’t fix mental illness any more than prayer can mend a broken leg. This kind of dismissive attitude is incredibly dangerous and infuriating.
4. The “conspiracy” people
Not everyone is trying to trick you. You are paranoid and probably smoke too much weed. Sometimes it really is just a coincidence.
5. The “why did I read this article, this is not news” people
Now, clearly you were interested or you wouldn’t have clicked on it. Did you open the link just so you could berate people that like a little human interest or sleazy celebrity story? You’ve created quite the hypocritical conundrum. We all bow to you, oh superior one. We look to you to determine our own moral compasses, for you are clearly the most evolved person on the planet. Feel better?
If only they would print newspapers on reasonably sized paper…
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