No one believed that I was injured while I was nobly fending off a sly ninja who had invaded my home. I was deflecting a death star with my reproduction wonder woman arm bands when I caught some shrapnel in the eye. Ok, so maybe I was attending a self-defense class when an overzealous student got carried away and gouged me in the eye while yelling “NO!” at the top of her lungs. Ok, ok…I was carefully rubbing my eye when my finger slipped and I poked myself right in the peeper. Yes, my secret’s out. I’m an idiot. As a result of said poke, I have had to take my contacts out and suffer with glasses. This is a difficult transition for me because I literally live in contacts. I leave them in until I can’t see through them anymore then I throw them away and put new ones in. Without the aid of modern vision correction, I am legally blind in one eye and the other is only slightly better. My problem with glasses is not based in vanity. I think glasses are cute. I think my glasses are cute, but I hate wearing them and here’s why:
1. I have no peripheral vision. My eyes are bad, people. REALLY bad. So basically I have a tunnel of perfect vision surrounded by blurs of color. When something approaches me from the side, I would have the same reaction, be it a kitten or a flaming ball of liquid fire. I simply cannot see it.
2. The sidewalk looks lumpy. I know, what the hell am I talking about? When I look down, it looks like the ground is bulging where I’m walking. This causes me to periodically stop dead in my tracks and tap the ground in front of me with my toe. I am aware that this makes me look like a crazy person, but the alternative is tripping over imaginary bumps and falling on my ass.
3. They make my face hot. When it is hot outside or if I am even remotely exerting myself, my nose and cheek bones will sweat. I guess I just have hot eyes. The heat cannot escape and I feel like my face is going to burst into flames.
4. The mess with my hair. I wear my hair in a ponytail nearly all the time. The arms of the glasses go over the sideburns, which is great at first, but eventually that little bit of hair will start to work its way loose and stick out and look like tiny hairy shelves holding up sticks. This is a constant struggle. I am always removing my glasses, putting my hair back up, and carefully sliding the glasses back on.
5. They hurt my head when I watch tv in a horizontal position. Sometimes you just want to lie down. Unfortunately this causes my ear to smash into the arm of the glasses and after 30 minutes or so it hurts. Sometimes I fold the smashy side arm in but then I have to watch tv with a big fat line through it. Either way it’s annoying.
6. I keep accidentally touching them. I’m not used to anything on my face, so when I reach up to rub my eye I just smear a big ole greasy fingerprint on them. I suppose if I had been wearing glasses the day I poked myself in the eye, I wouldn’t have to be wearing them now.
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