Drive Me Crazy

I drive like an old lady. I totally get how that’s irritating to a lot of people. I’m cautious… very cautious. I rarely take yellow lights. I always leave at least a cars length between me and the car in front of me, well, truthfully much more than a car’s length. I change lanes blocks before I actually need to just in case I can’t get over. I rarely go more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit. I’ve been in a lot of car accidents, but only one of which was my fault. I am all too aware that I cannot control what others do, so I hyper-control myself. I’m afraid of stupid drivers and I’m annoyed with inconsiderate drivers. I know I’m not a perfect driver, or even a good driver, but compared to a lot of people I should be teaching a national class or something. It amazes me that people complain about other drivers doing exactly the same thing they’re doing.

For example, I have ridden with a particular person (who I will not embarrass with mentioning names, but it starts with a “D” and rhymes with chewy) who has complained about being tailgated while leaving approximately three feet between her car and the car in front of her. Really? You find that rude and dangerous? Hmmm. Interesting. It occurred to me that maybe some people don’t realize that they’re being douche bags. I feel it’s my civic duty to educate. So here they are:

Molly’s Rules of Non-Douchey Driving.

1.       Driving ridiculously fast in residential areas or downtown.

 Residential neighborhoods are full of oblivious children and pets and the streets are fairly short.   Unless you’re driving a DeLorean with Michael J Fox riding shot gun, there’s no reason to attempt to generate one point twenty-one jiggawatts between stop signs. It should also be noted that this produces no results in a city environment either; the most obvious clue being when I pull up beside your “badass” self at the next red light. No matter what the movies tell you, driving fast does not make you cool.

2.       Shopping Center Entrance Etiquette

When entering or exiting a shopping center or mall parking lot, the people entering the parking lot always have the right of way. If you look really closely, they do not have a stop sign. However, the people exiting do have a stop sign. Do not turn into the entrance and stop. Keep going. It is not a four way stop. You don’t take turns. If you are exiting the parking lot, you wait until the light changes and people stop coming in to exit. Yes, you might have to wait a few minutes, but that’s why we put music in cars. Chill.

3.       The turn lane is not a parking space

This one is specifically for truck drivers. Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re doing a job and I’m down with that. As a matter of fact, I often go out of my way to help them on the highway. I move so they don’t have to slow down and I slow down to hold up traffic when they need to get over. I've got no beef with the big rigs in general, BUT it is never ok, not for any reason at all, to park your giant vehicle in the turn lane and “run in” to anywhere. Especially a Waffle House. Those emergency flashers don’t create a parking space and your immediate need for smothered, covered and scattered hash browns does not constitute an emergency. If you don’t fit in the parking lot, go somewhere else. Which brings me to my next point:

4.       If you don’t fit in the parking lot, go somewhere else

This problem may be unique to Florida. Huge, bigger-than-a-Greyhound Winnebago’s, driven by people who clearly have no special driving skills, just rolling through town, crushing everything in their wake like King Kong on wheels. Your insatiable craving for some chicken McNuggets or a stuffed crust pizza is not reason enough to park your rig sideways in 8 parking spots or worse, in the middle of the parking lot, completely blocking the drive thru. I’m sorry that those parking lots do not accommodate your vehicle, but you know those wobbly things that catch you when you finally exit your fortress? They’re called legs and they can carry you for more than 10 feet. Park somewhere else and walk. Also it is never acceptable to pull across and block three lanes of traffic when making a left hand turn and wait for the traffic to clear in the other direction. You’re the one driving that ridiculously huge vehicle. You get to be accommodating, not the other way around.

5.       When merging, slow down, don’t speed up.

If two lanes suddenly turn into one, the world will not implode on itself if the person beside you merges ahead of you. It would just be horrifying if that person goes slower than you would like and causes you reach your destination 3 minutes later. Small children may suddenly take ill, puppies and kittens will die, and rain forests will burn brighter and hotter. All because that guy in the other lane pulled in front of you when you merged back there. Bad things happen when you’re not first. You. Must. Be. First…because you’re a douchebag with control issues.

6.       GET! OFF! MY! ASS!

I brake suddenly for squirrels. Real and imaginary. Back off.