Ever since the great flood, we have been chasing creepy
crawly uninvited guests out of the house. I understand that they are just
seeking shelter, but this one is occupied. They really need to move on.
So yesterday I had just stepped into the shower and as I
starting working the water through my hair I caught some movement out of the
corner of my eye. I focused on the blur and there it was, between the shower
curtain and liner. A roach the size of my thumb. I’m totally not exaggerating.
Hold up your thumb. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Hold up your thumb and picture two
giant waving antennae growing out of the top of it. Gross, right? At first I couldn’t move. I was shocked out of my paralysis when it
started to inch up the curtain. It was nearly to the top and the last barrier
between me and that vile creature was quickly diminishing.
“DEEEEEWIE! HEEEEEEEELP!”
“What?”
“HELP ME! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” She runs in the bathroom.
“Giant roach coming over the curtain. I don’t know what to
do. I’m naked and wet and it’s gonna get me!” She peeks into the shower.
“Ooooh yeah. That’s a big one.” Why is she talking all calm
like that? This is an emergency!
“GET IT!”
“Where’s Sgt. Swat?”
“On top of the fridge. HURRY!” Dewie disappears. The roach
reaches the top of the curtain. “DEWIE! IT’S COMING OVER THE TOP! IT’S COMING
OVER THE TOP! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHAT IF IT GETS
ON ME?” The roach hangs there with its little sticky legs hanging over the top,
waving its gross long antennae menacingly.
“Well at least turn the water off. Why are you saying
everything twice?”
“I DON’T KNOW! ” Dewie draws back like she’s going to smack
it. “YOU CAN’T SMACK IT THROUGH THE CURTAIN; YOU’RE JUST GOING TO FLIP IN ON
ME! IT’S GONNA GET ON MY LADY BUSINESS! OH GOD WHAT IF IT GETS ON MY LADY
BUSINESS?!?!”
“Just be still and get out of the way.”
“How can I be still AND get out of the way? Put a towel down
so I can get out of..” Dewie smacks the roach. It tumbles into the tub, still
very much alive. Panic moves my ass. While releasing a squeal I’m not
particularly proud of, I shove Dewie out of the way and tear out of the shower,
dripping water all over the place. As I stand there making a puddle I start
channeling the Cobra Kai Sensei. I can’t stop yelling, “FINISH HIM! FINISH HIM!”
Dewie recovers from the shove and smooshes that bastard on
the bottom of the tub, and then throws him in the toilet.
“Flush it twice, just in case.” She flushes the roach down the toilet.
“You ok?”
“I’m not sure. Beat the curtain and make sure there aren’t
anymore.”
“It’s fine. Finish your shower.”
And I did. Nervously. I did almost bust my ass when I saw
the little magnet thingy in the bottom of the liner. But I recovered. Barely.
