UGH!

I knew something was wrong when I took a three hour nap two days in a row. I don’t sleep during the day. I make fun of people that sleep during the day. My favorite game is something I call “nappin’ stack.” The object of this game is to stack as many handy things on top of the napper as possible without waking them. A good session provides 10-15 minutes of hilarious amusement. My point is that I’m just not a napper. Then the very slight nausea started. It was barely there at first. I wasn’t even sure if I was just hungry or my stomach was upset. Maybe it was just stress.

I soon found that the addition of solid food eased the nausea… and added excruciating stomach cramps. A very generous dinner of smoked ribs at my favorite barbeque joint courtesy of my visiting parents resulted in an evening of feeling like my stomach was trying to strangle itself. The next morning I felt a little better but didn’t chance anything more than coffee and water. When Dewie got up a little before noon (she worked the night before) she talked me into drinking some Ovaltine. I was nervous, but it settled surprisingly well, so she talked me into some toast. Mistake. I headed for the bed, holding my stomach where I proceeded to roll around and whine expletives. I hear Dewie come in.

“Your belly hurting again?”

“YESSSSSSSSS.”

“Maybe it’s your gall bladder. You remember that gall stone you passed a couple of years ago. You thought you were dying.”

“Owwwwwwwww. I didn’t think I was dying, I thought I was going to give birth to something. This is different. Bloody hell!…I may be dying this time.”

“Maybe it’s your appendix.”

“Son of a…  motherfu… owwww… it’s not my damn appendix. It’s not my gall bladder. It’s not my intestines. I don’t have to poop. It’s not some vague pain in my general abdominal area. It’s my actual stomach.”

“Well, you have to eat.”

“I got this from TOAST! What the hell is lighter than toast? Little capsules of air?!?! It feels like my food stirring monkeys are trying wring out my stomach. UGGGGHHHHH. ”

“Maybe some broth.”

“Gaaaaaaah! I’m not drinking hot water. It’s dumb. I think I can afford to go a couple of JESUSSSSSS! days without food. I’ll just drink plenty of water. Like a new diet program.”

“What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know, probably some kind of HOLY SHITBALLS!! OWWWW stomach virus … with an unfortunate Tourette’s side effect. “

“If you don’t eat, how will you know when it’s over?”

“I’ll know I can eat when the HOLY HELL! UHHHHH! water gives me diarrhea. I just hope my immune system knows that this is not a job for the rabid moneky squad. It better break out the pirates.”